I have a hard time doing nothing. Doing nothing is probably the hardest part of these days off after each treatment. I don’t feel well enough (actually, strong or energetic enough) to go out and “do” things – but feeling too well to do “nothing”. Moreover, I feel like I should be doing things, and feel a little guilty because I’m not out there clearing the garden, tending the fruit trees (spraying a little biological control on the peach leaf rollers) and planting the vegetable starts that seem to have taken up a life of their own on the front patio.
But, ya know, it’s only 9:25 on Monday morning. Things could get better today.
I very purposefully took the five days after each treatment off so that I could recover, rest, and charge up my batteries a bit before jumping back into work until the next treatment. Sometimes I feel like I’ve taken too much time, but then I go do something (even folding laundry!) and I’m reminded right away of why I’m taking this time off. ‘Cause I have to. My system is just too weak to work as hard as I usually do.
Saturday, I folded laundry then took a two-hour nap before we had company for an hour or so then went to a potluck early in the evening. By 7 p.m., I felt totally wiped out. That’s kind of how it’s going these days.
Yesterday was better. I took a nap in the afternoon, and then helped B pick up some big rocks in back of the garage so he could tractor them over to “better places” (i.e., away from the back of the garage). It was good for us to work together to roll big rocks into the bucket of the tractor – so often we’re doing things around the house and garden kind of side-by-side, but not actually together. This was collaborative rock rolling, and kinda fun, really. I’m glad we did it. And the yard behind the garage looks great!
We’re taking more time with each other these days – more shared naps, more down time, more talking about “when” and “what if”. I’m seeing this as a very positive side effect of a very nasty illness, and I’m very glad that we’re spending the time connecting.
This connection stuff is spreading out to others, too. I find myself spending time really talking with people that I see every day, and it is incredibly enriching. I’m opening up and talking with people about how I really feel about what’s going on with me, and, in return, I’m getting to know the stories of those around me. What an eye-opener.
I just wish that I had started sooner.