Learning How to Let Go

Time flies. It’s been two weeks since I’ve posted anything. Not a surprise: my typical week is jammed with work and commuting (9-hour work days, 1.5 hours in commuting time), which doesn’t leave much room for anything else. When B and I get home from work, my time is devoted to making lunches for the next day, then making dinner. Lately, while B does the post-dinner dishes, I’m already getting ready for bed. I’ve been trying to get more sleep – ’cause I feel my whole system caving in any time I push too hard.I’m walking a tightrope of push hard enough vs. not pushing too hard.

Last Wednesday was a treatment day for me. I feel cared for, and know I’m getting good care at the center. They’re friendly and warm and I feel welcome. I am able to relax and go with the flow of the meds – sleep for a while with the Benadryl, then gradually wake up to the R-CHOP routine that is marking my third weeks these days. The next five days are spent resting and sleeping, for the most part. I find myself saving magazines and books to read while I’m down – knowing that I have to have something to entertain my synapses while the rest of my body is drained of energy. Normally, down time would be embraced with computer work and knitting – I’m finding that I don’t even really have the energy for that. It was an effort Saturday to merely sit outside in a lawn chair keeping B company while he worked in the garage. (And he got out the chair for me!) It’s appalling to my work-ethic driven self.

I’m having to learn to let go. Let someone else do the work, or even let the work go not done. It’s hard for me. I’ve always been a “do-er”, and now, I’m finding that – for now, anyway – I can’t “do”. I think that’s my big lesson in all of this: learning how to let go.